I Allowed Him Finger Me And He Almost Raped Me, But I Still Love Him

I'm an ardent reader of your blog. I have a small situation and I need advice from your blog visitors. Late last year I met a guy during an economic conference in Lagos. I was an Usher, and he was one of the conference keynote speakers. 

The guy is a good catch by any standard - very charming, handsome, kind, generous and very wealthy. He's a popular young oil tycoon in his mid thirties and he's unmarried. He is also very gentle, humble and God-fearing, a quality I admire especially in men. During the conference, I was given the task of chaperoning him, and so we were together quite often during the event. I found myself falling for him, even before he opened up and told me that he liked me. He asked me to be his girlfriend, said a lot of sweet words, and I said yes.

When we started dating, I told him that even though I really liked him, I wasn't going to sleep with him. I'm not a virgin, but in the last 2 years I've been keeping myself for marriage after a promise I made. I'm 28 now and I don't want to keep sleeping with time wasters. I told him that the only person I wanted to have sex with was my husband. He said he understood, and he's actually been very understanding. He loved me, spoiling me with cash and gifts all the time. I used to use public transport, but he gave me one of his cars and his second driver to be driving me around since I can't drive.

We've been dating for about 5 months now and we've not had sex. Every time I go to his house to cook for him or just be with him, he has a constant erection. He always gets horny when he sees me, and many times we make out, but when he tries to have sex with me at the last moment, I shove him off. I love him, and I feel immense sexual attraction to him, but I don't want to give myself away till marriage. A few days ago, I was at his house, and I couldn't control myself any longer. When he approached me and started touching me and kissing me, I lost control of myself and removed my panties. He performed oral sex on me which I really thoroughly enjoyed and I came, but just when he was about to penetrate me with his penis, I summoned the strength to push him away just as I always did.

He got angry at that point and manhandled me (for the first time ever). He put one hand on my mouth to prevent my screams from being heard, and used the other hand to pin me hard to the cushion. He was apparently very angry at my refusal, and he was actually going to rape me, and I saw it in his eyes. I was scared and started praying inside me. He was really desperate for sex, but at the last minute, he realized he was making a mistake, and he released me and apologized profusely, saying that the devil got into him temporarily. He didn't rape me, but it felt as if he did. He started begging me to forgive him. He went on his knees and all. I just ignored him and ran out of his house. I've never been so scared in my life.

He's been calling me for days but I hadn't been picking up. Then last night he called (I didn't pick up so it went to voicemail). He said that he feels so ashamed of what he did (near rape), and that he couldn't even look himself in the mirror. He broke up with me on the phone, his reason being that 'he is not deserving of me'. I have long forgiven him that slight- and my ignoring his calls was just to punish me, and I even feel at fault because I'm the one who allowed him to perform cunnilingus on me and left him to dry. I still love him. Should I go back to him and beg him to take me back, because he clearly still loves me and wants me back.
Regards,

Amaka


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